Archive for November 2012

Sort of a Thanksgiving Reflection   Leave a comment

Not that I was setting out to write something about Thanksgiving.  This is actually  something that’s been on my mind for several weeks now, as I’ve been calling SAT to try to get steps taken for Zach to get a re-test, since he didn’t get to use the accommodations he was approved for when he tested November 3.  Due to misunderstandings and snafus, and despite Zach telling his proctor that he did have extended time, they didn’t allow him to have it.  Mistakes happen and when they found out their mistake the staff was most apologetic and kind.

I personally found the situation fairly frustrating.  Part of it was that I’d already spent about 8 hours on the phone, not counting thinking and planing time, calling around the area trying to find a school that would accommodate Zach.  Since we homeschool, we had to do that legwork ourselves, something I definitely wasn’t aware of when he was initially granted the extended time plus use of a keyboard.  So, after that 8 hours phone time (not counting the number of hours I put in earlier filling out the paperwork and providing documentation to qualify in the first place) I’d say at this point, I’m pretty invested in getting him the time.

It’s been hard for me not to keep thinking about the situation, wishing those “if only’s” that come after things don’t work out they way you planned.  If only they had listened to Zach.  If only the paperwork they received had been more clear.  If only they had let parents into the building so I could have straightened this thing out initially….

But here’s what has really emerged for me as I think about how easily I have gotten hung up over this situation.  Intellectually I can step back and say this is really not that big a deal, and realize there are more important things to put my energy into.  But my bottom line that I keep reverting back to has been how annoying this is and how it shouldn’t have happened.  On the other hand, my son has been fine with it.  He said he felt like he did pretty well without the time.  And even if he didn’t he wasn’t upset.  He wasn’t worried.  When we discussed whether we should try to get a re-test, he said we should, only if it wouldn’t be a big hassle for me! 

So as I’ve seen this it seems to me that he’s internalized a lot better than I have what I’ve been hoping to share with the kids — that God is in control, that he knows what he’s doing, and that he knows what Zach’s future is.  Zach doesn’t have his heart set on getting into a particular school.

He seems to be completely comfortable with what is, and does not have an urge to wrestle with what isn’t.  I’ve seen this in my other children as well, and it’s very humbling.  It is the way I want to be.  I don’t understand it because my nature argues with everything that happens to me that I don’t like.  But that’s the thing, the problem is my problem, and my clinging to my little wish list for life, as if my plan and my expectations are the greatest thing since sliced bread.  As if my worrying, fretting, scheming and planning for what I want, could possibly be better than what God is already arranging.  Or has arranged depending on what mind bending way you want to talk about space, time, eternity and how God is outside of it all. 

I know this already, but it’s always beneficial to have an opportunity to make it more real.  To keep going to God, to get into alignment with whatever he’s doing, instead of trying to forge my own path, as if that were even possible.  I’m glad he’s moving me out of my fantasy castle in which I believe that every dream I have should come true and I get everything I want, into reality with the rest of the human race. 

And I remain amazed? humbled? by observing my children who are content with things as they are.  I’m glad to be reminded that I can work hard, pray hard, and that is all as it should be, but I don’t have to own the outcomes.  Those are in much finer hands than mine.

Posted November 22, 2012 by swanatbagend in Uncategorized