Overinvested?   1 comment

Just yesterday, I got some feedback from my husband.  He seemed to think I was over invested in the process and outcome of this whole college thing for my oldest.  See, I thought the process was over when Zach made his choice and slapped $100 down electronically to reserve his spot.  But, it seems there is a whole laundry list of other things he is now supposed to do.  1. Stafford Loan Counseling 2. Learning community form 3. Orientation reservation 4. Math testing 5. Study online registration system for classes etc.

So my husband’s point was this is really his problem, and that the key is to have him be in charge (OK, no really I already know this) but to be available and kind of watch over in the background like a benevolent but unworried angel.

I know that.  I already know that.  But my problem is what does that really look like when Mom is…well…deeply concerned about the child’s future welfare because said child could be categorized as an absentminded professor.   But he said, the problem really is that mom is….deeply invested in the life and well-being of the child.

I know.  I already know that.

I just can’t figure out what that looks like.

The unworried angel, that is.

Then this morning the sermon followed up the interior conversation I’d been having with myself since the previous day.   The pastor said nowhere in the Bible is certainty promised for your child.  Not that I didn’t know that either, but I was glad someone came out and just said it.  Because I think that is, probably, the one thing I most fear about the fact that I have these children that I love.  That I can’t make things be OK for them.  I can’t make things good for them.  I can’t stop evil from happening to them, and I can’t stop them from making less than ideal choices.  I don’t have that kind of power.  And honestly, that really bothers me.

If you are honest, doesn’t it bother you too?

So I work so hard to try to make things work out….and fall back into worry a hundred times.   How did David, who was in very real danger, deal with his fears, so that he could write things Psalm 27, “The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life; of whom shall I be afraid?”

He sought God’s beauty.  He just wanted God above all else.

The place I am safe is where God is my one thing.  I am not responsible for the feelings and projects and choices and dreams of my children, they are.  I am only responsible for me, for what I do.  If God is my one thing, I can be free to gaze at his beauty and do what he says, without worrying about how things will turn out for my kids.

Of course I’m involved, of course I’m available, I’m walking alongside as I have done for the past almost 18 years.

But I suspect from this point forward walking alongside, and at a further distance with time, is all I will be called to do.

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Posted May 13, 2013 by swanatbagend in parenting

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One response to “Overinvested?

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  1. Dear Jenny,

    Can you believe I just ‘discovered’ your blog site. Love to read your from the heart thoughts. Thank you for sharing and I shall read more at a later time. Your friend from the past – Joyce

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