Deceived   Leave a comment

I’ve been deceived all these years.

Or maybe I was just deceiving myself.

With the slow turn of the seasons, I welcomed back the aspects of those times I liked most.

When a cold front blows in September, blues the sky, and knocks down leaves, I’m so glad to open the windows and let it in.

There’s a certain damp smell in spring in Kentucky that happens in March.  You know winter really will end.

And with every season, there are holidays and landmarks that you count on.  School starts up.  It’s time to pick pumpkins.  Christmas is coming. You know there will always be Tax Day.  Spring break is definitely looked forward to with a good level of enthusiasm, especially when you are anticipating driving south through Tennessee, Alabama and Florida, spring fast-forwarding around you in dogwoods, red-buds and azaleas, until you arrive at the beach.

These landmarks of my life are reliable.  They return annually, which brings joy and comfort.

What deceives me is the feeling that they are thus the same.

But they’re not.  It’s not the same spring break, not the same Thanksgiving, not the same anything.

We don’t get a re-do.

I don’t mean in a spiritual sense with God.  He is the author of second chances and forgiveness.

I just mean there’s no re-do for any given day.

Obvious, of course, but not in my heart.

When I have a bad day I can find myself playing the what-if game.  When I spend a good day with friends, inside myself I’m thinking how good it will be to do it again.

I can pick a day that’s now in the past, which was really blessed, and I realize that not only did I treasure the day,but some part of me believed it was a preface to more days–just like it–with those people.

Thankfully, of course, there is consistency in my life.  I do get to see many of the same people, most weeks.  But to assume those same dear people will assemble again in the same way another day is to fool myself.

I don’t spend much time thinking this, usually, because, frankly, it’s disturbing.

Lord willing I will use this reality to live fully in each moment, not thinking about the what-ifs, or wishing that day was different, but being grateful for what is, and who is there with me.


Posted September 7, 2014 by swanatbagend in reality, reflections

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