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My grandma always made me feel like I was the most important person in the world.  She loved me affectionately and well.  She encouraged me to behave properly by giving me her big brown-eyed stare if I wasn’t behaving, and loving me the rest of the time.

I knew she would always love me.  I knew I could count on her love.

Don’t you love being loved like that?  I sometimes think as I go through life I’m always looking for love and acceptance like that.  To find a person who just thinks you’re the cat’s meow, someone who laughs at your jokes and who thinks the same things are funny or at least doesn’t look at you like you’re crazy.  When you meet a person who is warm and kind toward you, it is nourishing and comforting and healing and helpful.  I love meeting people like that.  Don’t you?

I just can’t help wishing to meet that person again.  It won’t be my grandmother, sure, but kindness lurks in many unexpected hearts and faces.

The dark side of this wish is that it turns into a quest.

At least for me it does.  I look into every open door, every new room in life for that person who’s going to be good to me.

I seem to be always be looking for a person who will love me the way I remember other people loving me.  I get caught up in expectations of friends or family or sometimes even just acquaintances, as I apparently look to re-create a relationship in the image I think it should have.  Then if the relationship doesn’t do what I want when I want, I get irritated and cynical.  If the connections I have don’t make me happy, I get depressed.  If the local church isn’t doing what I think is important, I get disgusted.

What if I just flat-out accepted that the people around me are not going to follow my personal rules about how people should be? that they aren’t going to return my emails when I think they should? that there are gems among them, but that it will take time to polish them? that the person across from me needs to be loved also?

What if I stopped deciding how the people I know, the moral people, the good people should act?

What if I laid these chains down?

I am free to love.

 

 

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Posted December 5, 2016 by swanatbagend in relationships

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