Archive for the ‘identity’ Category

Sensitivity   Leave a comment

If there is one word you could use to describe me, this would be it.

I’m emotionally sensitive, morally sensitive, physically sensitive, sensorily sensitive, and probably several other kinds of sensitive.

I can’t handle conflict amongst friends or even acquaintances and will sometimes literally go hide.

I feel horrible when something comes up that I think is wrong which I can do nothing about, or if I have done something wrong, I find it difficult to receive forgiveness and stop feeling guilt.

When I take a new medication or supplement, about 75% of the time, you guessed it, I have to discontinue said substance because it causes side effects, often side effects that I am not “supposed” to be experiencing.

I don’t go to concerts, aside from classical music, because they are just too loud, too many people, too many lights.  I can’t watch a scary or intense movie before bedtime, because I get so into it that I cannot go to sleep.

Shoot, I can’t even finish a difficult book all in one sitting.  I have checked out Donna Tartt’s The Goldfinch twice and I still haven’t finished it.  I’ve got about 130 pages to go and I’m so connected with Theo Decker that I think I am him or his mother or Pippa.  And I just can’t keep reading right now.  I have to step back and find a safer place for a while.

My father in law once said, when I got my fur rubbed the wrong way by one of his off-hand comments, that I was just too sensitive.

At the time I was offended, but now I fully agree.  He was right!  I am.

I might as well be a red-head, which would have been some compensation, because I definitely fit the stereotype of thin-skinned and hot-tempered!  And furthermore, sunlight doesn’t make me tan.  I either burn or make more freckles…..

My life would be more straightforward and I would waste a lot less time getting my feelings hurt, if I weren’t so sensitive.

So I wonder, what is the good of this ridiculous sensitivity?

Posted August 29, 2014 by swanatbagend in identity

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Increasing Maturity?   Leave a comment

Since I moved here 8 years ago I have noticed that people I meet seem to think I know what I’m doing and that I am not merely a functioning adult, but someone they can assume has parenting experience and will be around to rely on if they need some support.

Now that I’m 47 and have one homeschool graduate to my credit, have done the high school and college admissions thing before, I can understand that view.

What I want to trumpet to the world, about every other day or so, is, “No! I really don’t know what I’m doing!  I have fears and questions, regrets and concerns.  I have challenges each day about which I could use the advice and support of someone older, smarter, and more experienced.”

But it seems like once you reach a certain point, you get so good at what you do, that your wish to be supported fades into the background.

I like talking with other mothers, being a listening ear, and providing support in hard times.  It’s good to have experience and to have made it through difficult situations. That’s a gift which I’ve been given, and I’m glad I can give back.

Still, I have had a difficult time adjusting to the reality that I am now that older, wiser person.

Despite having lived a few years above the age of 40 now, I don’t grasp it. Maybe I don’t want to.  I guess as with any change there is both good and bad, and I do miss feeling like there is someone older and wiser watching out for me.

But I had found myself thinking that I had been forced into this new role without any transitional help. Then I realized the other night after processing for a while that this idea was incorrect.

1. First I had about 20 years being a young woman and being loved on and mentored by a lot of fantastic people, peers and adults. (I’m thinking of Marilyn Howe, Carylion Kennedy, Gina Humphrey, Sandy Bumpus, Anne Dunton, Anni Miller, Kathleen Woolsey,  Beckie Johnson, Lynn Ericson and many more)

2. Then I had about 20 more years of some mentoring and a lot of mutual support in relationships with peers. (Here mentors are Judy Calkin, Doris Musser, Kim Gardner, Chris Jolly)

3. Bringing us to the future, where I have made the transition to being more mentor than mentoree. (Here’s Susan Jackson)

So I realized that this trajectory is not all that unusual.  In fact, I suspect this is how it’s supposed to work.

For whatever reason, this made it easier to comprehend why I am where I am now.

The only thing I’m wondering is, what will the years from 60 to 80 look like?

Should be fun.


Posted July 31, 2014 by swanatbagend in identity, transitions

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