Archive for the ‘companionship’ Tag

So Loved   Leave a comment

How could I be so loved?

I know for sure I didn’t deserve it.  I mean, yes, I work hard, I try to be a decent person, but really, I fail at meeting my own goals as well as other people’s expectations.  He couldn’t have been rewarding me for doing well and never being a whiner! because that just doesn’t happen.

He knows what I like and what is most relaxing and peaceful for me, and after months of some stressful times, we went and stayed somewhere we love.  We saw natural beauty and were out in it, hiking to a waterfall among thick forest.  We had brownies and Cokes in the afternoon.  We had a four course dinner.  It was amazing!  It was a true feast, in the best sense of the word, because we were there together, eating some of the most delightful food I’ve had in years, and celebrating all that is good in our lives and all we’ve been given.

Not only that, as a further surprise, he took me to a pottery shop, where we sat down with an instructor and two other women who were there, and made our very own ice cream dishes on the wheel!  We were engaged in freakin’ arts and crafts–together!

My husband insisted that we get away for our thirtieth wedding anniversary.  He arranged it all himself, planning some specifics that he knew I would enjoy, but not over-booking us, so that the prime detail was our companionship.  He wasn’t just tolerating the hike, my talking, and pottery making.  There weren’t any loud, pregnant sighs as there have been in the past when we stayed in a bookstore too long.  I’d have to say from everything I observed and experienced–and at this point, I do know him quite well–that he really just wanted to be with me.

Somewhere along the way, a shift happened, and he isn’t doing these things to get a certain outcome.  His commitment to me has transformed.  He just wants to love the beloved.

This, my friends, is the mystery.

Posted August 10, 2018 by swanatbagend in relationships

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Parallel Lives   Leave a comment

When your children are little, you live in the illusion that you know their lives completely.  You spend all your time together, most often very near, nursing them, changing their diapers and holding them, sleeping next to them.  It follows that as they grow you are still so near that you know their lives very well.  Or at least you think you do.  Within all of us is the tendency to do what research says babies do–assume that what they feel or perceive is what their mothers also feel and perceive.  And maybe some of that is going on.

As your child gets older, he ventures forth into the world for several hours at a time, and more and more as he grows up.

I don’t know when the moment will come for you.  It probably depends on your life choices and your child’s temperament, and on yours as well. Since I homeschooled all three of mine, we spent most of our time together.  I didn’t have six to eight hours a day where the kids were away.  We weren’t doing things together all the time, not by a long shot, but we shared our space and our lives in a way that you just don’t unless you’re together that much.

So, there will come a point at which you realize that there’s a separate life out there, doing its thing.  And while you will rejoice at that reality, and be thankful for your child’s maturity because, yes, that is the goal–there will be a longing to have it both ways.

I love the companionship we share and I don’t want it to end.  I’m interested in my son’s thoughts, his work, his days.  After years of sharing that with him, I can’t disconnect without wishing there were a way to be both places at the same time.  I long to travel both the arc of my life and the life of my child.

I don’t want to miss anything.

 

Posted August 6, 2018 by swanatbagend in motherhood

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