Archive for the ‘control’ Tag

The Path   Leave a comment

Twenty-three years ago today I stepped into the circle of life.  I had a baby son.

Days, weeks, month become years.

Little ones become big ones.

And here’s what I know.

I can’t control outcomes.  I work now and live now, while looking back occasionally to my past, a past in which I did not know how important living now is.  I didn’t know what my part was to play.  I still don’t.  I just do my part–I carry my leaf section as valiantly and faithfully as I can.  I want to learn to be content, and to acknowledge that all my opportunities are just gifts.

I see myself being ushered in twenty-three years ago to the phase of my life that I am now close to ending.  I had no idea how the path was going to unwind before me then.  I can only see it looking back.

Perhaps what I think about my inability to make things turn out the way I think they should is false–but that’s the view from here, approaching the last several years of my career as a homeschooling mom.  I don’t think I am going to find a way to get more control over the daily events of my life and the behaviors of others and the things that happen to me as I get older.  I really doubt that there is a secret of control I just haven’t discovered yet.

I still have no idea where the path unwinding will lead me.  I just know that I’m going to keep going.  I’m going to do the best I can.  I’m going to live right on.  I’m thankful that I am watching my children grow up, and that I’m still walking beside them, for a few more miles, on this part of the journey.

I just can’t believe that the time has passed so quickly.

Posted August 24, 2018 by swanatbagend in motherhood, parenting

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Helpless   Leave a comment

Life is supposed to be ever onward and upward.  Our culture, as you’ve probably already been told by other bloggers, developed from the American dream, which all started when someone had the audacity to decide our country would be based upon people having the right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.  Somehow, since then, our raison d’être has ballooned to include not just the pursuit of happiness, but the thing itself.

Advertising and media envelop us in images of how it is supposed to be.  Life is full of sunshine, with healthy athletic attractive families prancing across fields.  If you just see the right doctors and buy the right car, take the right medication, get your kid into the right college, your existence will travel forward on this pleasant upward trajectory–forever.

It is true that we do learn skills and competences, and move toward being more independent as we grow and develop from a helpless infant to an adult.  We are responsible to do what we can with what we’re given and not sit around waiting for someone else to do the work.

However, our care of our bodies cannot stop unexpected events from happening.  Our work doesn’t guarantee that we will have a meaningful career, grow older with a loving spouse, and have a pleasant retirement, despite our culture relentlessly pushing this model as what to expect, what should be.

While our skills are valuable and meaningful, they can’t save us from old age and death.

I’d like to think they could, but all I have to do is look around me.  I look at my own life.  Despite doing what is in me with the strength I’ve been given to live a good life, so many of the big things that make the most difference long-term, I don’t control.

I like to think I am in control of them.  I work hard to make things be the best they can be.  And I know how I think things should be.

I make choices all the time.  I work.  I respond.  I choose.  It’s not that I have no power.

But my power is limited.  I don’t control the forces that have the most influence on me–what happens to me and who is by my side when it happens.  I cannot by sheer will command the ocean to roar and another human being to do what I think is right and my heart, mind, soul and strength to be what I think they ought to be.

I am hemmed in on every side by my impotence.

 

Posted November 21, 2017 by swanatbagend in identity, reality

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