Archive for the ‘joy’ Tag

How Normal People Are   Leave a comment

As I waltzed through a three and a half week period of feeling really great during my healing from depression process, I was so happy.  I was just so thankful to finally (I thought) be through with the pit of despair, any change was welcome and this was a truly wonderful change.

I had the energy to do projects I hadn’t had energy for.  I had the get up and go to clean the Florida room and sell and give away items nobody was using.  I did a lot.

And mentally, I enjoyed it.  Life was purposeful and I felt hopeful about various potential future plans.  I wasn’t overthinking the future either; it was just there and I thought about it occasionally and it seemed like a good thing.

It only occurred to me later that it’s possible that what I experienced for those three and a half weeks is what other people live all the time.

I don’t mean every person, all the time, because obviously some people have more issues than I do, some have fewer.   Some people’s lives are filled with material and spiritual difficulties so far beyond what I experience that clearly they aren’t living the dream.  Life is rarely that simple for anyone.

I just mean that feeling good, having lots of energy, having hope for the future might be other people’s normal.

My normal has usually been more subdued and less optimistic than that.  And I thought that was normal.  Maybe there’s a way to be in hopefulness and make it more of a stay than an occasional vacation.  It can’t be the goal of my life to get there, because I don’t have the power to guarantee that outcome.

But what that knowledge does is show me my variables: I regularly have to overcome them.  If I have to get myself to the front edge of motivation every day, that’s an obstacle.  If I have to sweep together enough energy for the to-do list every day, that’s an obstacle.  Those are real challenges.  This knowledge dispenses mercy, mercy on me and on every other person who doesn’t have a full load of energy, motivation and hope.

He came not for those who are well, but for those who know they are sick.  So if you need the physician–take heart.  He is for you.

Posted August 27, 2019 by swanatbagend in mental health, reflections

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Love   Leave a comment

I thought that Love meant always liking the beloved.

Yes, falling in love, adoring our children, or laughing with good friends–all of these things are glorious.  All of these states of being bring pleasure and joy and take us out of ourselves to where we are more–we are part of something bigger than ourselves.  But the sensations of pleasure that these wonderful times bring us are fleeting.  By definition they and we are finite.

However, these times of intimacy and joy are so delightful that we wish to remain in them permanently.  Our culture teaches us that love or being in love is the only reality to seek for; we demand that we stay in that frame of mind and body permanently.

What happens when the beloved is no longer pleasing?  What if his needs are downright demanding?

Before I had children, my parents had done such a dedicated job of raising me that it never even crossed my mind there may have been times they did not want to take care of me when I had a problem.  So I was unprepared for the mental dissonance caused by my lack of desire to take care of my baby when it was inconvenient for me.

All lights out, except the night-light in the hall.  No noise except an occasional random bark from the dog, and the far-off roar of the interstate highway.  There is the peaceful snore of the husband, but the most pressing sound is the wail of an infant.

Imagine my shock when I found I did not experience an overwhelming rush of happiness that caused me to leap joyfully out of bed to care for him.

Before I was actually in the situation, I really thought I would want to.

And I didn’t.  I had absolutely no interest in getting up at two o’clock in the morning and fixing the wet or hungry problem of my child.  I just wanted to get back to sleep.

I thought that Love meant always liking the beloved.

I learned then I did not have it in me to like the beloved at two o’clock in the morning.

But I also learned that is not what Love is.




Posted December 17, 2015 by swanatbagend in parenting, reflections

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