Archive for the ‘love’ Tag

So Loved   Leave a comment

How could I be so loved?

I know for sure I didn’t deserve it.  I mean, yes, I work hard, I try to be a decent person, but really, I fail at meeting my own goals as well as other people’s expectations.  He couldn’t have been rewarding me for doing well and never being a whiner! because that just doesn’t happen.

He knows what I like and what is most relaxing and peaceful for me, and after months of some stressful times, we went and stayed somewhere we love.  We saw natural beauty and were out in it, hiking to a waterfall among thick forest.  We had brownies and Cokes in the afternoon.  We had a four course dinner.  It was amazing!  It was a true feast, in the best sense of the word, because we were there together, eating some of the most delightful food I’ve had in years, and celebrating all that is good in our lives and all we’ve been given.

Not only that, as a further surprise, he took me to a pottery shop, where we sat down with an instructor and two other women who were there, and made our very own ice cream dishes on the wheel!  We were engaged in freakin’ arts and crafts–together!

My husband insisted that we get away for our thirtieth wedding anniversary.  He arranged it all himself, planning some specifics that he knew I would enjoy, but not over-booking us, so that the prime detail was our companionship.  He wasn’t just tolerating the hike, my talking, and pottery making.  There weren’t any loud, pregnant sighs as there have been in the past when we stayed in a bookstore too long.  I’d have to say from everything I observed and experienced–and at this point, I do know him quite well–that he really just wanted to be with me.

Somewhere along the way, a shift happened, and he isn’t doing these things to get a certain outcome.  His commitment to me has transformed.  He just wants to love the beloved.

This, my friends, is the mystery.


Posted August 10, 2018 by swanatbagend in relationships

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Love   Leave a comment

I thought that Love meant always liking the beloved.

Yes, falling in love, adoring our children, or laughing with good friends–all of these things are glorious.  All of these states of being bring pleasure and joy and take us out of ourselves to where we are more–we are part of something bigger than ourselves.  But the sensations of pleasure that these wonderful times bring us are fleeting.  By definition they and we are finite.

However, these times of intimacy and joy are so delightful that we wish to remain in them permanently.  Our culture teaches us that love or being in love is the only reality to seek for; we demand that we stay in that frame of mind and body permanently.

What happens when the beloved is no longer pleasing?  What if his needs are downright demanding?

Before I had children, my parents had done such a dedicated job of raising me that it never even crossed my mind there may have been times they did not want to take care of me when I had a problem.  So I was unprepared for the mental dissonance caused by my lack of desire to take care of my baby when it was inconvenient for me.

All lights out, except the night-light in the hall.  No noise except an occasional random bark from the dog, and the far-off roar of the interstate highway.  There is the peaceful snore of the husband, but the most pressing sound is the wail of an infant.

Imagine my shock when I found I did not experience an overwhelming rush of happiness that caused me to leap joyfully out of bed to care for him.

Before I was actually in the situation, I really thought I would want to.

And I didn’t.  I had absolutely no interest in getting up at two o’clock in the morning and fixing the wet or hungry problem of my child.  I just wanted to get back to sleep.

I thought that Love meant always liking the beloved.

I learned then I did not have it in me to like the beloved at two o’clock in the morning.

But I also learned that is not what Love is.




Posted December 17, 2015 by swanatbagend in parenting, reflections

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