Archive for the ‘reality’ Category

Mine   Leave a comment

I find many of the greatest frustrations I face involve projects or meetings or relationships which don’t turn out the way I have in mind.  When I have a project, I want it done right.  I have a vested interest in making it work well after all, because my name’s on it.

Maybe you’re a gardener.  Perhaps you’re having a real problem this year with Japanese beetles destroying your roses and blackberries. You’re doing everything you can to get those pests off the plants.  But the outcome is iffy because there are so many of them!  Your yard doesn’t look like you want it to and you’re the one who has to figure out a solution.

You may be walking your child through some new era in his life–getting ready for the college application process, learning to drive, overcoming a mental health issue or navigating hurdles at a job.  You’ve put uncounted months and years into helping your child.  You have a major interest in the outcome.  And you want that outcome to be one that is good.  Bottom line is, you feel responsible.  After all, this is your child.

Here’s where I think the English language falls short.

 

Can you think of a word to replace “my” in any of these phrases?

My house

My garden

My project

My ambition

My work

My child

My career

My health

My life

 

I haven’t been able to think of one yet.

What other word should there be, though, when I am the one doing the work to maintain the health, well-being and success of any of the above?

 

The problem is that I have confused responsibility with ownership.

I’m not the owner–I’m just the steward.

 

Advertisements

Posted July 18, 2017 by swanatbagend in identity, reality

Tagged with , , ,

Now   Leave a comment

For the past year, I’ve been telling myself I would have time to research and do advocacy about _fill in the blank_ when I’m done with the work I have to do today.

For the past five years, I’ve been telling myself my vision would get better when I got my thyroid medication regulated.

For the past ten years, I’ve been telling myself that after we are done with our school year, it will be summer, and summer will be totally and completely relaxing and things will be much less busy.

For the past fifteen years, I’ve been telling myself that if I just invested a bit more in the relationship or found the magic key to the person’s heart, that the relationship would be different.

For the past twenty years, I’ve been telling myself my fatigue would be resolved once I found the right combination of medication/diet/exercise/reduced busyness and stress.

 

I’m going to be turning fifty this Saturday.  I think I need to adjust my expectations.

 

I think what is really going on is that…

The sheer number of hours in a day is not going to expand nor will the problems people have decrease.

My vision is not going to get better.

Summer will continue to be busier than expected for the foreseeable future.

The relationship is not going to change.

I am not going to find a therapy or treatment that will completely solve my fatigue.  Some factors will get better, some will get worse, some won’t change.

And what I know now is

this is reality.

And–this is OK.

 

 

 

Posted July 13, 2017 by swanatbagend in reality

Humble   Leave a comment

If there is one word that goes with broken, it is humble.

(See my last blog here at https://swanatbagend.wordpress.com/2017/02/08/broken.)

One leads to the other, as surely as night follows day and water flows downhill.  It could be humble first, leading to a willingness to be broken and to see what’s broken.

Often, it is broken first.  This leads naturally to humility because if you are broken and acknowledge that you are, you realize that you don’t have the power to fix it.  You realize while there are many steps you can take to bring healing, to ask forgiveness, to renew what has been damaged, you don’t have the ultimate power or authority to make renewal come to pass.

It makes you humble.

This is your new reality.  Not a sense of self-flagellation or an endless reviewing of past trespasses.

Humble is just being in touch with reality–the reality of who you are and what you can and cannot do.

Humble is, I think, actually quite freeing.

Posted February 12, 2017 by swanatbagend in character, reality

Tagged with , , ,

Broken   Leave a comment

What’s one of the most distressing events that can happen to a child?

That’s right.

Something they love gets broken.

And mom and dad cannot fix it.

I have memories of something lovely getting irreparably damaged, and how distressed and grieved that made me as a child.  We had Christmas ornaments of blown glass, colored globes surrounded by extremely thin spiraled wires.  Even the bracket at the top of the ornament was a work of art, all fine silver made of tiny detailed patterns.  When one of those broke, because they were already old by the time I was old enough to love them, it was painful.

That’s an ornament, a thing of beauty, but nonetheless just some heated and blown sand.

How much more distressing it is when things of more importance are broken.  And how distressing it is to find that one continues to break things on a regular basis.

It seems to be inescapable.  I once thought that if I just tried hard enough, I would always and only be a force for good in the world.  I thought that somehow I would have the ability and the will and the power to always do the right thing.  Knowledge was power, and I knew what was right.  It was my goal in life when I graduated from high school to love and be loved and be happy.  I had no idea how truly difficult that would be.

Despite my best efforts, I damage and destroy what is good.  How is it possible to be aware of the beauty, of the import, of the good in people and the world, and still be the cause of damage?

I realize that I too am broken, and that my brokenness damages others on a regular basis.

I’m not saying that I never do anything right.  Like you, I work hard to be a good friend, a good parent, a person whose heart is attuned to God so that I can spread the love around.  I want to love others well.  Most of the time, I do a pretty decent job.

But, some of the time my brokenness rises to the top, and that is what other people get from me.

Thank God that he has made peace with me and covered me with his righteousness.  I was far away from him.  I am still farther than I want to be.  However, my distance and brokenness does not stop him from pulling me closer.  Because of Christ, he has brought me into his presence and I stand before him redeemed.  He is transforming me.

He is transforming me, and it starts right here, from the point of my acknowledgement that I am broken.

Posted February 8, 2017 by swanatbagend in reality, reflections, relationships

Tagged with , ,

Chronic   Leave a comment

Do you have anything in your life like this?

If you’re like me, I’m sure you do.  No matter what it may be, it is something that does not diminish with time.  It’s something that does not seem to have a packaged, straightforward treatment.  It does not go to the doctor, come home with medication for pain and an antibiotic, then three days later go back to school/work.

It might be a disease.  It might be a habit you have wrestled with for years.  It may be a person you’re connected to who is difficult but whom you can’t abandon.  It might be money worries.  It might be the mess in your garage, or the yard work that never really gets done, or the pile of dirty laundry that completely covers your cracked cement basement floor.

Whatever it is, it’s chronic.  It’s not fixable today or this week.

You know what I mean?

Reflecting on my own life at the beginning of a new year, and wondering what will become of the chronic situations in my life during the course of the months to come, something else came to mind.

There’s all of this stuff, but, whatever else may be chronic, thank God that He is chronically good.

Posted January 7, 2017 by swanatbagend in gratitude, reality

Tagged with , ,

The Wounds of God   Leave a comment

Walking through Lent really does make the joy of Easter more real.  I’m glad I’ve taken the time to think about what Christ did, using some Lenten devotionals recommended to me.

Also, last night I went to a Good Friday service at a local Lutheran church.

I needed that.

And this is one of the things I got out of remembering what Jesus did for me.  This is why I know all of this is real.

His suffering is not imaginary suffering, any more than our suffering is imaginary.

That’s the point of the incarnation.

Posted March 26, 2016 by swanatbagend in reality

Tagged with , ,

Plans   Leave a comment

So it’s been a while since I blogged.

In fact I’m not even sure how long it’s been.

Picture the graphic that’s been shared on Facebook.  I posted it on my page about a month ago.  Two pieces of graph paper side by side: the left one has a sharp, smooth, beautifully straight vector heading upward at 45 degrees.  The right image is of a line which loops all over the graph paper, completely out of control.

Captions?  Left side reads, “What I planned.” Right side reads, “What actually happened.”

Truer vectors were never drawn.

I usually make the mistake of thinking June will be less busy because school is out (it never is), but this year several additional variables got thrown in the works, primarily an ill-formed foray into the world of hormone replacement therapy.  The theory was it would help me sleep better if I took estrogen.

It didn’t turn out that way.  Instead I’ve spent over two months working my way back from relentless palpitations that lasted all night long (thankfully it wasn’t every night and is now much better), being completely off thyroid medication (which I actually do need) for four weeks,  and starting a different thyroid medication (which I am still in the process of ramping up).  Well, it was my idea, and worth trying.  Still, it’s a classic example of the graph which I shared.

Expect the unexpected is a word to the wise.  I try not to, and I guess I believe that if I assume it hard enough, things will be predictable and comfortable.

Never.

Posted June 28, 2015 by swanatbagend in reality

Tagged with , ,